CDPunt(igam) Writes

Dear Future Me,

I know that it’s probably been awhile since you’ve thought about this but I wanted to share some thoughts in this moment, in hopes that you still remember them or that if you haven’t you’ve grown beyond them. Maybe this will just feel like rambling but I hope that it makes sense down the road.

If you would prefer to listen to this post, you can find it online here.

We’ve been living with grief for quite some time now, I don’t remember when it joined us. Some of my earliest memories are sad times when I’ve lost not just people but companions as well. And we’re in the midst of having lost several friends in the last few months. Ones that we had always hoped to see again, even now a year later, there’s one death among the literal dozens that hits harder than the rest.

It’s been a tough year, I find myself adding in laying down in the bed during the early afternoon more and more often. Much like the days when pregnancy changed our schedules and I’d rest knowing that my body needed to rejuvenate itself with sleep. I don’t know if that will stick around. You probably remember that it scares me because of the times when I was stuck in bed with depression or undiagnosed Lyme disease. I hope that we’ve come to a place of acceptance or really I hope that it’s gone away. It’s one of my least favorite parts about living with grief. Though I do love when the pets join me and sit with their warm body pressed against me. I could do without the hair chewing from the one but he’s adorable so it’s acceptable.

One of the other things that I’ve noticed is that in addition to laying down more I wake up without a will to make food. I haven’t baked in ages, I have supplies but I just haven’t done it. In fact, for the first time in maybe forever, I bought a pie crust. Right? I know! So bizarre and the worst part is that the pie was inedible. Literally could not be eaten. I have often found quite a bit of joy in the kitchen and now I feel like it’s a burden that belongs to someone else. I would stop all together if I could figure out how. Instead I buy the groceries and then they sit until they’re on the verge of waste and then I decide it must be fixed. We still eat dinner together most every night but there’s been more takeout and convenience foods. When I’ve made meals, they’re either old standbys I could make with one hand tied behind my back or something new that I’m willing to take the lose on if it’s not good.

Here’s some good change, you are writing more. You are making time to be creative in other ways. It’s not like you’re a limp noodle out here not staying awake all day and ordering take out every meal. You’re spending more time capturing words on the screen and sharing things on the internet and trying out new ways to express yourself. You’re intent on being yourself. All the ladies that you’ve lost in your life have each taught you that, you must be yourself whatever that may be. And it’s safe to say that it might take awhile to figure that out but it’s good work.

Yes, your rhythm in different, yes you are sad, yes there are bright bits and pieces. The hope that I have for you future self is that you’ve learned which ones to focus on. That you’ve been able to unearth a few more bright spots and been able to cobble together a light to shine for others.

This grief stuff isn’t easy and there really isn’t a manual, leaving my hopes here for you is the best I can do at the moment. Well, honestly, I don’t think there ever really could be a manual of how to live with grief specific. Most of what we bumble around with nowadays is some stages of grief that was written for the dying and not those of us left behind. And even that is imperfect. It’s more like CS Lewis’s Lion Witch and the Wardrobe and living in a land of perpetual winter. You know that the world is out there but it’s too much to go be in it sometimes. So your rhythm brings you closer and closer to home and the cozy places within it.

I’m praying for you future self, that the wintertide has begun to turn and that you’ve found ways to venture out into the world again. Ways that you have been able to be with people and to grow new relationships and foster old ones in healthy ways. I don’t really mind if you take the naps as your birthright but I really do hope you fall in love with preparing food again and that the baking has started back up. That you’ve found a way to share your words and that you once again love people that you know that you’ll eventually have to say good-bye to, even in unexpected ways. Because life with grief is better than life without love.