CDPunt(igam) Writes

Dear Past Me,

You might not believe this in this moment but death will always do what it does. I know that you think it’s easier to accept when the person who dies is older and has lived a good life or if they’ve been lingering with a terrible disease. We haven’t found that to be true yet but maybe if we keep saying to ourselves it will be one day.

If you prefer to listen, you can find this post online here.

That feels foolish to even say in this moment. This moment when so many of our friends who have celebrated over 80 or even 90 decades of life have died. If it were true then the grief that we’ve been wading through wouldn’t have disrupted our rhythm. We wouldn’t have begun to wonder when the last time we mopped the floor was or if it’s okay to survive on take-out for a second week in a row. We wouldn’t have thought about what it is that we could be writing, actually, we didn’t think about writing at all if I’m honest. It was just getting by, keeping watch over those that decided now was the time, talking with those that carry the lions share of the sorrow, napping on the sofa pretending it will be just for a moment but almost always waking and knowing it was a bad idea. But I tend to agree with you it’s better for reentry than being sucked into the bed for hours on end.

It might feel like you’re in the midst of the funk again. Let me call it what it is, clinical depression, but I can assure you on this side that it’s just a moment, you’ve got the coping skills at this point to combat the small battle before they overwhelm you.

I do want to tell you that I’m really proud of you, the one thing that you didn’t let go off this time was continuing to connect with people that were not in your grieving circle. I know that it’s hard because all of us at church have been affected by death this year, we’ve all lost friends and family, those that we love. But you managed to find other places and people to go and find just a tiny bit of escape from it. Good for you. We both know that it won’t be enough, you’ll still be tender and sensitive and cry over the stupidest stuff at the weirdest of times but that’s okay.

We’re about a month now since the last of six funerals in under three months, the rhythm is starting to come back, it’s not as regular as it was, we’re still missing a few beats here and there but life is finding its way. I can’t remember if you know this already but I’m going to remind you just in case, it won’t return to what it was. That rhythm of yours, it won’t ever be what it was, it will change, the beat may be new, the things that mark time will be different, the metronome will sound off and different but you’ll pick it up eventually. Keep up the good work, you’re going to make it through.