CDPunt(igam) Writes

For more years than I can count, I have been sad during the Christmas season. The first one that I remember was 2005. We were new parents, actively trying to get pregnant with our second child while carrying for our newborn, and things were not going well. All the baby talk of Jesus just compounded over the years. There were people that told me during our struggle with secondary infertility (I didn’t even know there was a name for it when we were living it) that I should be grateful because at least we had one child. As if somehow my desire to have more children was a mark against my love for the family we already had. By the way, it wasn’t and never could be. If anything my desire for another child was a testament to the love that I shared with our daughter. Living life as a family of three has been beautiful and lovely and on the other side, it was definitely the best for the things we faced and challenges we lived through. And we did live through it and I want to share with you just five ways I learned to live with grief during this season of festivity and family gatherings.

• If you can make it easier, do it. There is nothing wrong with making accommodations for yourself. If the dishes are overwhelming, use paper plates and food made in disposable pans. Simple meals or take out are great ways to feed yourself. If the Christmas cards bring you no joy, let them stay unwritten. There are no rules except the ones that we create and allow others to create for us during the holiday season. If you want pizza for Christmas dinner, then do it. If cookies are too much to bake, buy them. Simplify in every way that you can. Grief takes a lot physically and mentally, give yourself that extra space to deal with them by making things easier.

• Do more of the things that bring you joy. That favorite Christmas album? Play it on repeat, even if it’s using your headphones so you don’t drive others bonkers. Christmas movies on starting before Thanksgiving, reading stories by your favorite authors, eating the cookies that you can only get at the store this time of year. At least once a day, do something that you know has made you happy in the past. The goal isn’t necessarily to make yourself happy today but to get to a place of functioning because your soul will remember that there is more than just this grief. Even if the happiness and joy doesn’t get all the way in, constantly layering it on will eventually make a difference.

• Avoid certain activities. You know the things that will trigger you to start down a spiral of loneliness and pain, avoid them as much as you can. And if you can’t avoid them, limit them. Let people know what they can expect and don’t feel like you need to go into detail about this. A simple, “I’m planning on stopping by for 10 minutes during X event. I really appreciate the work you put in to make it happen so I want to support you.” Or even a “No, I can’t make it this year.” If you get there and things feel different, feel free to stay longer. If being with a specific group of people is unavoidable, see if you can take someone along that can act as your buffer.

• If activities can’t be avoided, look for yourself. Sometimes you just have to do the things. Before you head in, take a deep breath, make a plan for something lovely to do for yourself when you’re done like a nap, warm bath, or a cup of cocoa on the couch at home. Once you’re there, look for yourself. What does that mean? Be on the look out for other people that aren’t engaging, look like they’d prefer to be somewhere else, or generally don’t look like they fit in the space. Wander over, say hello and take a seat. If talking happens great, if not, at least you’re sitting with someone else instead of wondering where you fit.

• Crying is good for you.1 Sometimes you just have to let the tears happen. You find yourself in the quiet and they start to happen. Keep tissues around, carry them with you this time of year. Make it a standard thing you grab when heading out the door, keys, phone, wallet, tissues. Watch a really sad movie if you feel the need to cry but can’t seem to get started. I’d highly recommend, The Family Stone or Dan in Real Life or even The Descendants. And if you need a family friendly one, Fly Away Home or Iron Giant can do the job.

And here’s a bonus one for you, writing can help, journaling, writing letters to no one or even to the one that you’re mourning the loss of, all types of writing can help us process what we’re feeling in the moment. It’s helped me over the years, random bits of paper, thoughts typed out in my notes app on the phone, or even personal blog posts. It can help to give a physical body to the words that refuse to be expressed.

Ultimately, you’ll do what needs to be done to get through, but you can get through. This pain and heartache, it won’t go away but you will figure out ways to carry it, ways that allow you to feel like yourself again or even like a new person all together. Grief doesn’t have a timeline, not one that I’ve discovered in all my years, but it does have a way of being manageable if we deal with it instead of hiding from it or pretending it’s not there. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here, leave a comment, send me an email (hello@mrspastor.com). I won’t be able to fix it but I can listen. And if you’re in the States and it feels like life is too much to continue on with, please contact 988, you can call, message, chat online. We need you, don’t give up.

1. Supposedly emotional crying is some of the best crying we can do! PS sorry for all the Harvard pop-ups, ugh https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/is-crying-good-for-you-2021030122020 ↩︎